Today, I’m going to focus on the subject of how to talk to young boys about masturbation.
Since we released The Talk (our sex-ed Bible study for families) probably the most common question we’ve had from parents is this: How do I talk to my son about the subject of masturbation?
Masturbation, for many boys, is something they will experiment with in their lives—at least a few times, if not habitually. According to The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior, 25% of adult men say they masturbate daily or several times a week. 55% percent said they masturbate daily to monthly.
As for teen boys, it is very common. According to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, about half of boys 14-17 years old masturbate at least twice a week.
With something that is so common for boys, it is good for parents to have a response about . How do we plan for conversations about it? How should we talk to young boys about masturbation?
(For the record, yes, I know women and girls masturbate, and yes, daughters should receive education about this as well. I’ve deliberately chosen to focus on boys in this article because (1) I am a man, and (2) I have four boys and no daughters. I assume much of what I have to say here applies to girls as well as boys, but I’ll let my female readers be the judge of that.)
The focus of this article: Pre-pubescent boys (10 and Under)
My next article will address boys who are more likely to be capable of lustful fantasy, but this article will focus squarely on pre-pubescent boys and how to talk to young boys about masturbation.
Several independent studies confirm that the average age of first sexual attraction is just over 10 years old, with first sexual fantasies starting between 11 and 12. For the purposes of this article, I’ll be addressing boys 10 an under.
What do you mean by “masturbation”?
Before we, as parents, can talk to our children about the ethical implications of masturbation, we have to first know what we’re talking about.
Not everyone means the same thing when they use the word “masturbation.” For the purposes of this article, I’m going to stick with Merriam-Webster’s definition:
Masturbation is erotic stimulation especially of one’s own genital organs commonly resulting in orgasm and achieved by manual or other bodily contact exclusive of sexual intercourse, by instrumental manipulation, occasionally by sexual fantasies, or by various combinations of these agencies.
That’s a mouthful. Let me pick it apart…
- “Stimulation…of one’s own genital organs…exclusive of sexual intercourse” – We’re not here talking about “mutual masturbation” (two or more people pleasuring one another). This definition includes only solo stimulation.
- “Commonly resulting in orgasm” – Masturbation should be distinguished from early exploration of the body or “fiddling” mindlessly with one’s genitals. Masturbation is a concentrated activity that usually builds to orgasm. (Yes, young boys are capable of orgasm, but until semen is produced in the body during puberty, there is no ejaculation.)
- “Occasionally by sexual fantasies” – Here we see two types of masturbation in the definition: (1) that which is done without the aid of fantasy, and (2) that which is accompanied by sexual fantasies. Dr. Doug Weiss, in his book Sex, Men, and God, talks about both forms of masturbation, saying that even into adulthood there are men who, when they masturbate, “stay connected” to themselves and concentrate only on the physical sensation itself. They do not escape into lustful fantasy. Others, however, are “disconnected,” focusing on a mental image or an actual image (such as pornography).
Since we are addressing the subject of masturbation in younger, pre-pubescent boys and how to talk to young boys about masturbation, we’ll be addressing the first kind of masturbation: one where the focus is the act itself, not something driven by lust.
What does the Bible say about masturbation?
Nothing.
While the Bible says a great deal about about sex and says a fair amount about lust (one of the motives for masturbation), it says nothing directly about the act of masturbation itself.
In the 18th century masturbation was (wrongly) called the sin of “Onanism.” This was a reference to the Biblical character Onan who was bound by the custom of levirate marriage: he was obligated to marry his brother’s widow to produce offspring in his brother’s name. However, whenever he would have sex with her, he always pulled out of her to deliberately avoid pregnancy. While it is true God called this a great evil (Genesis 38:10), this is not the act of solo masturbation by any stretch.
For this reason, when parents ask if they should tell their children masturbation is a sin, I do not recommend they put the act of masturbation itself into the sinful category. This, of course, is not the end of the matter, but it is an important place to start: In all God said about sexual topics, He never once said the act of masturbation is sinful, and neither should we, when speaking only of the act.
Two important categories: wise/unwise and moral/immoral
In the absence of the Bible addressing masturbation, many parents rush to one of several courses when thinking about how to talk to young boys about masturbation:
- Approach #1: Despite this biblical silence, they tell their kids the Bible condemns the act as sinful anyway.
- Approach #2: Because of this biblical silence, they say nothing to their kids about masturbation, believing it isn’t really a big deal.
Neither of these approaches is preferable. The first is based on ignorance about the Bible (or perhaps deception), and the second is neglectful.
We do ourselves and our children a disservice when we have only one way to categorize our behavior: moral vs. immoral (right vs. wrong). The Bible gives us more than this, however. Our behaviors can also fit into the category of wise vs. unwise.
Paul brings this point out in his first letter to the Corinthians: “’All things are lawful for me,’ but not all things are helpful. ‘All things are lawful for me,’ but I will not be dominated by anything” (1 Corinthians 6:12). Paul is saying there are things that can be considered “lawful” (i.e. not immoral), but still unhelpful or even potentially enslaving.
We might put the drinking of alcohol, for instance, into the wise/unwise category. The Bible clearly says drunkenness is immoral (Deuteronomy 21:20; Proverbs 23:29-35; Isaiah 5:11-12,22; Hosea 4:10-11; Amos 6:4-7; 1 Peter 4:1-5), but wine and other fermented drinks are also repeatedly called divine blessings, meant to be enjoyed (Deuteronomy 7:13; 14:26; Psalm 104:14-15; Isaiah 24:6; Hosea 9:2; Joel 1:10; Amos 5:11; Luke 7:33-34; John 2:6-11; 1 Timothy 5:23). And in cases where drunkenness is not a problem, wisdom steps in and asks, “Drinking is lawful for me, but in what cases is it unhelpful or in what cases does it bring me under its power?”
The wisdom approach regarding masturbation for young children
1. Distinguish between exploratory fondling and masturbation. It is common for very young boys to discover they have a penis and that playing with it feels good. Boys who are doing this in a mindless manner, much like thumb-sucking, are not masturbating, since masturbation involves more concentrated effort in a fashion that might lead to orgasm.
Still, fondling one’s privates is a social issue to address. Boys should be told that their privates are special and they should not draw unnecessary attention to them in public places. Getting children into the habit of not “playing with themselves” in public is a good habit to train, but the tone we use here is important. Often, simply saying, “Not in public, honey,” or “Not here at the store” will let them know their behavior isn’t good to do out in the open. For many kids this will train them out of the habit altogether.
2. Distinguish between momentary and habitual masturbation. If you catch your son masturbating, resist the urge to make a big deal about it right away. It is, after all, not a moral issue yet—it is a wisdom issue. See if a pattern develops.
3. If masturbation is habitual, consider a re-directive approach. No matter the age of the young child, instead of emphasizing masturbation as a dirty activity—which can easily be mistaken with the message “sexuality and/or your body is a dirty topic”—help them re-direct their efforts to other activities that are very pleasurable and don’t involve a lot of sitting still (so, watching a Dora the Explorer for an hour would not be a good option).
4. If masturbation is habitual, consider making a change in diet. One study suggests frequent masturbation is associated with reduced estradiol levels. Increase foods high in phytoestrogens, Vitamin C, carotene, and complex B vitamins. Sometimes these nutrients can imitate estrogen or actually increase estrogen production.
5. If masturbation is habitual, make an effort to reconnect with your child. One study suggests that the onset of frequent masturbation is often associated with a stressful life event, like weaning from breastfeeding or the birth of a sibling or separation from parents. Some studies suggests that it can be a reaction to a lack of affectionate tactile contact or emotional deprivation. Make an effort to reconnect with your child, not just through “quality time” but a greater quantity of time. Play together, read together, pray together, walk together. Often in doing these things, parents see the masturbation habit disappear altogether.
6. If habitual masturbation persists, consider how to have meaningful conversations about it. If your child is old enough to understand (perhaps 6 and up), talk about the physical process they are experiencing.
Don’t lead with a conversation about masturbation, but lay a good foundation about human sexuality in their mind. Use great resources that make this easy (such as The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality, or the Learning About Sex Series for boys and girls, or the God’s Design for Sex Series).
Talk about why the penis becomes erect and what the purpose of an erection is. Explain that it is normal and natural for an erection to feel good because they were designed by God this way.
Talk about the importance of habits. Tell them that masturbation is a tough habit to break and that you don’t want them to train their mind to believe that their sexuality ultimately belongs to them. Use three principles from 1 Corinthians to teach this…
- They should never merely stop at the question of right and wrong but wise habits and unwise habits (1 Corinthians 6:12). Masturbation may technically be lawful, but it is not good to be brought under its power.
- They were bought with a price: if they are a Christian, their body belongs to God (1 Corinthians 6:18-20). They should not develop any habit that trains their mind to think, “I can do whatever I want with my body.”
- If they will get married some day, they will not have ultimate authority over their body; their wife will (1 Corinthians 7:4). They should not develop any habit that trains their mind to believe, “I have authority over my body.”
Any questions about how to talk to young boys about masturbation?
Do you have any questions about this topic? Please let me know. I’ll be happy to answer anything to the best of my ability.
For further reading:
- Talking to Kids about Sex: 3 Things Christian Parents Shouldn’t Do
- Sex Ed and Young Kids (Ages 4-7): 5 Critical Reminders
- Sex Ed Starts at Age 3
- Modern Sex Ed Gone Crazy (and How Christian Parents Should Respond)
- Moms and Sex Ed: 7 Tips for Teaching Young Boys
Very helpful. I struggle with NOT thinking of it as objectively sinful, but I think that’s because I have not yet had one of my young children do it in naivety so I tend to think of it in terms of the intentional, lust driven version. So thank you, it’s a helpful distinction.
Two more things about masterbation that I want to teach my kid’s before they are 11…
– The Bible is full of delayed gratification and it is one of the keys to faith-fueled obedience (rejecting the sinful pleasure you can almost taste for the far superior pleasure & satisfaction promised by God that you must strain to see through the eyes if faith). Masturbation is the opposite of this. Will they trust the perfect timing and means of God’s provision for the satisfaction of their desires? Will they trust the HE is enough even if they must remain pure but never marry?
– As a 2nd and maybe subordinate point to go with “you are not your own so don’t think you can do whatever you want with your body: Flee from selfishness. Jesus served us and not Himself. Christians are called, by faith through grace, to emulate him as we sacrifice our desires – even in some cases unto death – for the good of others. This is just one more way to choose sacrifice over selfishness. Whether a future or current spouse or those now NOT receiving the benefits of what should have been a more effective life of ministry or whomever else; someone will be forced to sacrifice when we (or our kids) choose not too.
Thanks, Erik. These are great principles to teach children (regardless of their experimentation with masturbation). Thanks for chiming in!
Talking about this on a blog post is a little weird..but since the subject has come up around here I wondered what your thoughts might be on how to handle this issue with a child who has Down Syndrome? I didn’t even notice it was going on until my husband pointed out that when he’s covered up with a blanket that it was going on. Watching TV is his “down time.” I’m not sure how often it’s happening yet.
Good question. My experience with Down syndrome is very limited, but I will respond as best I can.
Much of what I said in the article still applies, but you would need to cater any actual conversation about masturbation to his level of understanding. Parents will need to treat their child with Down syndrome according to their child’s mental age (as far as the ability to comprehend abstract concepts like “wisdom,” for instance).
Down Syndrome involves a unique mix of circumstances, especially as puberty enters the picture. Children with this syndrome still develop hormonally, but often lag behind their peers in terms of self-control, emotions, social maturity, and communication, so this presents a challenge for parents.
Ideally, you should incorporate any discussions about masturbation into ongoing discussions about godly and healthy sexuality, boundaries, and privacy.
It is important to distinguish between true masturbation (which is more concentrated and purposeful) and mindless fiddling that is merely comforting.
While I cannot vouch for every detail of the article, Terri Couwenhoven has a very detailed article about teaching children with disabilities about sexuality from a young age in Disability Solutions. She does not come at the topic from an particularly Christian perspective, but she does offer some excellent insights as far as mental and social maturity plays into this issue.
http://downsyndromenutrition.com/images/stories/dsolnsvol4/4-5.pdf
Hope this helps!
Thanks for the info!
I have the exact same issue with my son who has Doen syndrome, he is 10. It has been an issue for about a year. It is intentional but not lustful/sexual. I believe it is a sensation that he has discovered he likes. It has been difficult to break. I would welcome any advice.
Great post! Hubby and I read this together – it definitely got us thinking since our three kiddos will be three soon. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks, Jennifer!
Thank you so much for this. It’s very helpful to have this as a resource.
I very much appreciate your blog, but I have one request – do you think you’d be able to add a print option on your blog somehow? The post isn’t very printer friendly just to print from the page (the text is very large and it includes the large pictures, using up a lot of paper and making it hard to read). I am planning on printing this article to read as I mull over it (and probably will end up printing other posts too :). Just a request from a reader, if it’s possible for you to do 🙂 Blessings!
Thanks, Laura. I’ll look into that!
So if I needed a booklet addressing this information to give to a 13 year old young man…so he could know this information…because he would die if his mother even mentions the word penis in front of him…does one exist? His father is to ill to address all of these matters.
As a 13-year-old, he probably needs the information in my second post about this subject. If you want something small, Winston Smith’s It’s All About Me is good. If you want something a little more in depth, Joshua Harris’ Sex is Not the Problem, Lust Is is also good. If porn is a concern (and for any 13-year-old boy, I wouldn’t be surprised if it is), then Finally Free or Closing the Window are excellent.
Thanks for the Biblical guidance; I will have to read it more in-depth. But what about specifically for girls? One of mine age 7 habitually does this, and has for a few years regardless what I say. I see many or most of the principles above apply to both genders, so that will be helpful. I appreciate your addressing these issues, and anticipate going through the 7 Lesson Talk with my 2 older girls (ages 7 and 5) individually soon.
Wonderful to hear you plan on using the Bible study. It will be a great help to them.
Your 7-year-old: she has masturbated for years, you say? Beyond just playing around: she actually focuses on the activity to build to orgasm?
First, avoid making this issue a major power struggle between you and your daughter. Use some of the practical tips and talking points above and see what happens. The focus of most of these points is not to draw attention to masturbation specifically, but to divert attention and speak about general principles—masturbation comes in as an application point.
Yes, and I think so sometimes.
That makes so much sense, and is so true about the power struggle. In the beginning I reasoned with her and said it wasn’t good to do, now I just tell her to stop if I see her, and get her involved in something productive. Thanks for your reply; I pray God will work in mine and my daughter’s hearts as we figure this out together!
Never mind…I missed your disclaimer in the beginning. 🙂
So do you recommend discussing masturbation with kids this age even if you have never caught them doing so? My son is 9 and I have no indication that he has ever done so. I feel a bit hesitant to bring up the subject when he is innocent of the idea.
I don’t see a reason to bring it up specifically. Naturally, if you are going to talk about sex (and by age 9, it’s probably a good idea), then you will be talking about some of the sexual “mechanics” of the body (ejaculation, semen, erection, etc.), but you probably don’t need to get into the subject of masturbation if you’ve not noticed anything.
You could also probe a bit on this. As you’re talking about sexuality, ask your son if he’s ever wondered about why his penis becomes erect. Ask him if he’s ever rubbed his penis in a way that feels really good. If he says no, just move on and talk about the reason for erections as far as sex goes. If he says yes, it might be a good idea to talk about it.
In the end, keep in mind that you don’t want to make this a “heavy” conversation. Be level-headed, natural, matter-of-fact. The more “normal” you make this conversation, the better everyone feels about it.
I’m SO glad I found your website and this topic specifically. My almost-4-year-old boy has started rubbing himself during naptime–he generally lays down quietly and doesn’t sleep most days, but he is the oldest of three kids and I need the break when they’re all down. My follow-up question to your article: my husband and I plan to have the discussion of private parts with him very soon, and does it matter whether my husband talks to him or I do or both of us? One of the tips is to make it not a big deal, right?
Thanks for the comment!
I don’t think it matters much if you or your husband has the conversation. My wife has had plenty of conversations with our four boys about their boy-parts. And yes, it is good not to make it a “big deal.” From a very young age, before our children could even talk, we made it a point to be frank with them about every part of their bodies—including their private parts.
I’m no expert, but nap-time self-rubbing might not be anything to worry about. It’s pretty common for kids to do while settling down for a nap- kid sleep experts list it as a sign of tiredness. It’s often not even conscious, just part of getting comfortable. Think about what you do when you get ready to sleep- things that weren’t uncomfortable before become uncomfortable when you no longer have anything to distract you from it. I usually have to pick a wedgie and scratch my privates, if I were a man, I’d assume that my privates might need some adjusting. Pointing out or discouraging an activity that has nothing to do with pleasure in his privates naive or otherwise might do more harm than good.
I agree, Anne. That’s why, in this article, I try to distinguish between mindless fondling and actual masturbation.
I need a whole lot lot of help and have no idea where to start. May e I should give you a little of a back story. I have struggled with masturbation for a very long time. Since I was young. I was molested by a younger cousin and can only remember bits and Leicester of a traumatic experience. I just always remember masturbating since I was very young. I used to walk in on my mother having sex and then go back and watch tv and masturbate myself.
When Christ entered my life he of course turned all of this upside down. Early in my faith I threw all toys and gadgets and stopped loving a promiscuous lifestyle because my affections had changed. The struggle with masturbation has become less but, I’m not totally delivered from it.
So because of my background I find myself freaking out more when it comes to my son. Fear takes hold because I don’t want him to ever have to go through anything that I had to go through and unfortunately he already has. I remember catching him pulling down his pants and humping the floor when he was about 4 and I asked him where he learned it from and he saw a girl at school doing it at nap time. Idk. When he was about 6 or 7 we went over my friends house. She had two boys at the time. One was 6 and the other a pre teen. This day it was just my son and his little friend. I had a funny feeling as the boys went upstairs to play. I never let my son out of my sight and don’t believe in children watching themselves. I felt a warning within me after about ten minutes and called upstairs for my son to come down. I immediately notice that his shirt is partly tucked into his pants which meant he had pulled them down recently. I started to ask him questions. He started to cry and say that they put their mouth on each other’s penis. The other little boy was looking at him the entire time trying to get him not to tell. Me and his mother started to cry and pray and spank. We had no other clue on what to do. I had a serious talk with him about his body and what was appropriate and not appropriate.
A couple months down the line we got a puppy and I found him 1 morning letting the puppy lick his penis while holding it and putting it near the puppies mouth. I lost it. I had no clue what to do. I explained to him about how that is animal and etc and how God views it.
He is now 9 and I’m a little paranoid. I find myself checking on him in the shower and feel as though I’m going to end up giving my child a complex. I fear the sexual talk that is coming. I have tried to talk about this switch other brothers in my local church body but they just act immature and act like I never asked them for advice.
When these things happen anger accompanies it. I know I’m just so fearful that I don’t want him to go through what me and his father have struggled with. I’m a single mother and haven’t the first clue about how to talk to him about this or if I should. I feel like I should talk to someone about my own issues that I haven’t dealt with. Believe me I have tried but it’s so hard to find a Christian counselor that accepts Medicaid.
I found this sight on a whim. I need help. I just don’t know what to do. I do t wa t to ruin his self image nor do I want him to be inslaved to masturbation.
Thanks for sharing, Lucy.
I wish I could say that your experience as a child is uncommon, but it sadly isn’t. I hate that we live in a world where children can be sexually molested, and we are hearing of this more and more. Your own son’s experience is also very sad: through no fault of his own, he’s seen and experienced things that he shouldn’t have seen or experienced.
I want to encourage you not to see masturbation (or the possibility of masturbation) as the problem here but as the fruit of a bad tree. You can pluck fruit from a bad tree all day long, but it will still grow bad fruit. Jumping on your son if you catch him masturbating may stop him from masturbating in that instance, but if it is born our of some kind of early sexual experiences, you won’t be addressing the actual problem. I really encourage you not to make masturbation the battleground here.
First, if you suspect your son is often finding himself in situations where he is exposed to sexually abusive and harmful information or experiences, then you must protect him from those situations. If he’s learning about oral sex from friends or school, then do what you need to do to remove him from those situations.
Second, you need to address the feelings in your own heart. Your fears, anxieties, self-blame, failure, and anything else you might be feeling about this situation should be brought to the Lord in prayer and to others in counsel. This is important, because as you talk to your son about sexual matters, your attitude and demeanor will be important. Addressing your feelings of anger are really important here. I cannot stress that enough.
Third, continue to impress on your child the goodness of his body. He needs to know his body is a good, created by God. His body parts are good. He should see in you, both in what you say and how you say it, that you are not afraid of the subject of his sexuality, that you believe strongly in the goodness of sex because you believe God is the creator of it. The cloud of shame that hangs over kids (and people in general) when it comes to sex can be suffocating and only tends to create more problems.
Fourth, if you haven’t really sat down and done some formal conversations about the nature of purpose of sexuality, with God’s Word at the center, then now is the time to do it. I recommend parents do this between the ages of 6 and 10, which is why I wrote the family devotional book on sex ed.
Fifth, you might want to use this database to find a good Christian counselor in your area. I would encourage you not to meet with the counselor yourself first before thinking about taking your son. A lot of these counselors work on a donation basis.
I am being pretty general here, but I’d love to answer more questions if you have any.
Yeah, I’m pretty good about watching his surroundings and friends etc, but it seems those things that happened early on have awakened something. The little boys house we were at had access to porn in their room (his big brother) and the little boy turned to it and asked my son to try it. Unfortunately I didn’t learn this until later on when he could verbally express more. I totally agree about looking at the root, and will explore your site. Like I said I literally just stumbled upon it. Thank you for the link, I will check it!!!
I will also start to prepare for ” the conversation” with him.
As far as addressing the feelings in my own heart, I started this online study , but haven’t been to disciplined. I’ll get back to it, and do you have any other recommendations?
One book that might be helpful is Josh McDowell’s Straight Talk with Kids About Sex. Also, the book I wrote is a read-aloud book, which means it guides you through the process in the midst of conversations with your son.
Thank you so much Luke. I truly appreciate all the info you have given me.
How do you determine if masturbation is true masturbation or just mindless fiddling? I have a ten year old son who “plays with himself” quite often. I have no idea if it is mindless or not but he has been doing it for years. My younger son does not do this so I feel like my 10 year old does it way more than is “normal” for a boy. When I catch him and tell him not to do it in public he says, “I wasn’t” and gets angry. This worries me because I don’t want him to be embarrassed but I do want him to be mindful of what he is doing and make good choices. I have always been very open and honest with him because I wanted him to feel comfortable talking about this stuff and never feel like it was awkward or shameful. We have read together the first three books in the God’s Design For Sex series and he has been very comfortable discussing these things with me and asks a lot of good questions when are talking about it. So far he has never been embarrassed to ask questions, for which I am very glad. However, masturbation has not come up in the books and so I have not ever mentioned it to him. How do you bring this up? (hey, son I want to talk to you about masturbation) or should I wait until I see him doing it? How do I determine if it is intentional or mindless? My husband is a slave to pornography so I worry every single day that my son will “inherit” that problem, and his constant fiddling causes me to worry more.
Great question, Heather. It is very possible your son is just fiddling around, but at that age of 10 it isn’t because he is new to his penis. For a lot of kids, however, playing with their genitals is a mindless creature comfort—like sucking a thumb. It would make sense why he is embarrassed about it and denies it, because he knows its unseemly to do in public.
It’s great that you’ve been using that book series with him. Great books. It’s also good that you’ve been conversant with him. Not a lot of parents are as proactive.
Have you discussed erections with him? I think this kind of conversation can be very helpful for a boy. Boys start experiencing erections in the womb, and they can happen many time during the day or night. Explain to him what an erection is (triggered by the brain telling penile blood vessels to relax and allow blood to flow into them, creating a stiffness), and that it can happen for a variety of reasons. One of the reasons it can happen is because of manual stimulation: when you touch the penis over and over, it is telling the brain to make the penis erect. This is what a penis is supposed to do, and it even feels good when it is happening (because this is also natural), but it can also be awkward because it makes you hyper-aware of your penis and might create an uncomfortable bulge in your pants. It isn’t anything to be embarrassed about, but you might be really self-conscious when you have an erection. Allow him to ask questions and relate his experiences. When you focus more on the biology and less on what he is doing, this might make the conversation for him a lot easier and give him and greater sense of understanding of his body.
Thank you so much for your reply, especially the guidance and explanation of erections. I worry about how to explain these very specifically male issues since my husband cannot do it and I am doing it on my own. Your comment will be very helpful.
I found your article today and it was great to get a christian perspective on masturbation. I have two boys a 3 year old and a 1 year old. My 3 year old has always been aware of his genitals and when he was younger and started to touch himself I would tell him that he needed to do that in private in his room. He would usually stop and get distracted and go with his day. Just recently though he has been going to his room purposely to play with himself. Sometimes like 3 times a day. I’m worried that this is becoming a habit. I’m not sure what to say to him. My other christian friends with boys have always just shamed it and I’m not sure that’s the best approach either. I’m not sure what to say or what kind of discussion is age appropriate. I may have responded in anger since it’s been happening more regularly but I’m afraid this is just leading to more secret behaviour.
Thanks for the question, Ann. Have you tried some of the approaches I mentioned in this article? I’d love to hear how that works out.
I think you are right to want to avoid “shaming” your son. It is good, however, to starting laying a foundation of understanding in your child about what human sexuality is all about. As you do this, you can begin talking to your son more about how to steward our bodies to the glory of God. Obviously, with your son only being 3, you’ll have to be brief, literal, and simple, but you can begin these conversations now.
Good grief. Masturbation is completely normal, so relax folks. No one is going to stop a healthy teenager (both boys and girls) from masturbating nor should they try. Since under Christian doctrine sex acts are forbidden to young people, their only avenue of sexual expression is masturbation. To try to take even that away and deny them any human sexuality is actually cruel… and it never works. Never has and never will. Compulsive masturbation is another story and is usually a sign of deeper problems resulting in obsessive “self medication”. But in most circumstances masturbation itself is a healthy release that reduces tension allowing the young person to focus on other things. I’d be more worried if I had a teen who didn’t masturbate.
This article isn’t about teenagers masturbating; it’s about young boys masturbating (the article states its for boys 10 and under), so it really isn’t talking about a person who is feeling some kind of lustful urge, per se. The issues addressed here in the article aren’t touching first on moral questions but on matters of wisdom and habit (like, teaching a child not to masturbate in public, or seeing if there are underlying emotional reasons for the habit, etc.).
What about young (or teen age) girls masturbating?
The majority of them do it, too.
I agree. That’s just a separate article, though many of the principles discussed here would probably apply.
I reckon, that key problem, is that once a pleasure to orgasm way is found, it is hard to not use it. To develop a healthy alternative is also very hard to do. Jesus said pluck out etc. Few acknowledge this saying. Usually by crimanalising masturbation with what is possibly worst than a fear of a deadly risk such as being on a bicycle without a good skate boarders all round helmet. But indeed within masturbation may be even a form of idolatry. This would indeed lead to hell. I hope for Christian health. Without it we will not escape the second death. Our heart is the prize between this invisible power of God battle. We can only hope to key on good knowledge within our human reach.
What a great read! It is so important as a parent to learn about this stuff. I come from a household of all girls so I know NOTHING ABOUT THIS! My husband, on the other hand, comes from a household of ALL boys and a family member who was addicted to porn. He knows somewhat what is upcoming my son’s future, but I am oblivious. Thanks for this detailed article. Saving so I can reread in the future!
This is a really helpful article, and it gave me some good ideas about how to talk to my 3 preteens (2 girls and a boy) about this subject. We have been “talking” age-appropriately about their bodies and sexuality since they were very young. But since I don’t think any of them have done more than the fiddling (no real masturbation yet), I haven’t yet gotten into talking about this yet. But now as puberty is beginning in the older girls, and teen years loom in the near future, I know the time is coming soon. I feel like these two articles have helped me know better how to approach the issue. Thanks!