“I didn’t want that kind!”
“Oatmeal again?”
“Why did she get the bigger one?”
“I hate emptying trash cans.”
“Awww, man!”
I endured comments like these for weeks and maybe even months before I suddenly had an epiphany.
My kids have a complaining habit.
They were complaining about everything. From the food I served them to the chores we required of them, no aspect of our home life was immune. Even when a request was granted, they complained that it wasn’t enough.
“Sure, you can stay up until 8:30.”
“Why can’t we stay up until 9?”
“Sure, you can have a cookie.”
“Why can’t I have two?”
And before I considered why or how or what to do about it or even what God says about it, I first couldn’t help but wonder why it took me so long to recognize the complaints for what they were.
My kids weren’t making an effort to disguise them, after all. The vast majority of the complaining was done in the typical high-pitched, whiney, fingernails-on-chalkboard tone one would expect.
After some prayerful consideration, I came up with a few reasons why we can tend to overlook a grumbling habit.
How Complaining Flies Under the Radar
First, we live in a land that lauds its freedom of speech, among other liberties we enjoy. While freedom of speech is certainly an important principle, as Christ-followers we must have a higher standard than simply what we’re free to say. Though perhaps we wouldn’t consciously use freedom of speech as an excuse to complain, that deeply ingrained philosophy can cause us to overlook ungodly uses of speech like grumbling.
Second, we live in a culture that in many ways idolizes its children. Gone are the days of “children should be seen and not heard.” Thank goodness for that! But now the pendulum has swung to the other extreme, landing somewhere in the vicinity of “children can say whatever they want whenever they want to whomever they want.” We need to find the middle ground!
Third, we live in a time of psychological awareness. We know that kids need to express themselves. They need to share their opinions. They need to feel like they’re being heard. No one wants to think of their adult child having deep-seated psychological issues because her parents never listened to her impassioned pleas (a.k.a. griping and grumbling) for Lucky Charms.
Finally, we’re complainers ourselves! No, we don’t generally whine quite like our kids do. But I can certainly pull out a complaint or two when I feel like it. Maybe it’s aimed at the exceptionally poor driver in front of me. Maybe it’s the fact that someone used the last of my K-cups. Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe it’s my responsibilities. The truth is, being accustomed to our own complaining can blind us to the grumbling tendencies of our kids.
There are plenty of reasons why we might fail to recognize a complaining habit. But as stewards of these little people entrusted to us by God for this season, we owe it to them (and to Him) to help them deal with their complaining tendencies.
Because this thing matters to God. In fact, it matters quite a lot more than we realize.
God’s Response to Complainers
Numbers 11 describes what happens when the Israelites complained about God’s provision.
- His anger was kindled (v.1)
- The fire of the LORD burned among them (v.2)
- The anger of the LORD blazed hotly (v.10)
And it didn’t stop there!
Complaining against Him directly isn’t the only kind of grumbling that angers God. He is just as incensed by complaints against those He has placed over us in authority. Miriam experienced this firsthand when she was struck with leprosy after complaining against Moses (Numbers 12). Numbers 16 gives the account of the utter destruction of 253 more complainers against the God-ordained leadership.
While complaining doesn’t necessarily yield deadly consequences in modern times, these examples illustrate God’s perspective of a grumbling, complaining spirit.
Now what?
Here’s how my family is getting our act together. See what you think, and then leave a comment with your suggestions, pretty please! We’ve still got a long way to go around here. 🙂
1.) Examine together what God has to say. God’s opinion should be of prime importance in our parenting. Going to God’s Word together reinforces to our kids that the Bible is relevant to their lives. It teaches them that what God has to say matters. And I don’t know about you, but I can’t think of a more important lesson for kids to learn.
2.) Look for the heart issues. It’s tempting to target the behavior, isn’t it? “Just make it stop!” But the better solution isn’t going to be a quick fix, because complaining is a fruit, not a root. Since a complaining habit is a symptom of other sinful attitudes, the only effective way of eliminating it is unearthing and then dealing with the motives behind the complaints. Sins like ungratefulness, selfishness, and rebellion are behind a lot of the griping I see.
3.) Memorize Scripture together. Once you know what God says, choose some relevant Bible verses that address complaining. You can also choose Scriptures that speak to the heart issues you uncovered in #2. Commit to hiding God’s Word in your hearts, that you might not sin against Him (Psalm 119:11).
4.) Replace the bad with the good. Now that we’ve established that we shouldn’t complain, what should our speech look like? Look to God’s Word, and practice using the kinds of words the Bible applauds. When your kids complain, have them state three things they’re thankful for in relation to whatever they were griping about. Practice makes progress!
5.) Pray. It’s so important that our kids see us going to God often in prayer, and that we approach Him together. Urge your children to confess their sin to God and receive His forgiveness (1 John 1:9). Encourage them to ask Him for help in kicking their complaining habit.
6.) Be a good example. Ask God to help you identify areas of complaining in your own life. Get vulnerable and ask your spouse and even your kids! See what heart issues might be contributing; confess them to God and to your family, if needed, and ask for forgiveness. Then keep working on this right along with your children.
7.) Keep each other accountable. Encourage each other in your pursuit toward godly speech free of complaints. Praise the progress you see. Remind each other of your goal to speak words that are pleasing to God. I love this Grumbles Game idea—it’s a fun way to stay focused on growing in this area together.
I am definitely going to try the grumbles game with my kids at dinner tonight. Love the ideas and the encouragement to get on top of the complaining. Thanks!
I love this post, thank you Jennifer for shining light on this topic. My son had a kindergarten teacher who gave her students a line that we now use regularly in our house: “You get what you get, and you don’t get upset.” We’ve taught it to our younger kids as well, and it’s a great line to quickly get the kids re-focused. Hey, it’s not bad for adults too!
I love it, Karen! So often one of the biggest sources of complaints in our home is when one child feels like he didn’t get something as good as what someone else got. And that convicts me, because I can be the very same way! Thanks for reading, and for taking the time to share. 🙂
Love this post…so many great strategies ❤️
Hi, Beth, and thanks for stopping by! 🙂 I’m glad you found some helpful ideas here today.
Beth, we use an app that is commonly used for classroom teachers called classdojo We can use this app to reward “happy hearts” or give consequences when they complain. It helps us to immediately foster the behavior we want and curtail the behavior we don’t. Be blessed! – Kia
Sounds like a great resource for teachers, Kia! I would’ve loved something like that back in my public school teaching days. Thanks for sharing!
I’m still teaching and I use it in both places – home and school. I made a class with just my two kids in it 🙂 It is so awesome because I have a mobile digital record and motivator where ever I go.
I see this type of complaining a lot on twitter – especially those with the hashtag #firstworldproblems. I try and check myself by asking if what I’m upset about could be tagged this way. If so, I need to stop as a reminder of just how blessed I really am.
Great advice, Carmen – I’m not active on Twitter, but I see those types of posts on Facebook occasionally, too. I’ve never even realized it’s a complaint, but you’re absolutely right! Complaints can be sneaky that way. 🙂 Thanks for this admonition to beware of complaints in our speech, because you’re right – we’re all extremely blessed.
“…complaining is a fruit, not a root.” This is so true! And it is so tempting just to squash it by plucking the fruit rather than taking the time to uproot the issue. Good stuff here! Pinning…
I’m glad this resonated with you, Cheryl. God has been teaching me so much lately about unearthing the root sins in my life, and being alert to them in the lives of my children. It’s a pretty critical step toward lasting change. Thanks for reading, and for sharing!
Thank you so much Jennifer. This is awesome truth you have shared.
As a parent I have to lead be example.
Accountability check! Am I a complainant mom?
Many blessings to you.
You’re exactly right, Ifeoma. Our training of our kids won’t be effective if we’re harboring the same sins ourselves – kids see this hypocrisy, and it can erode their respect for us and even destroy our relationship with them. Thanks for reading and for getting in touch!
Great post !! Good ideas for handling a difficult situation in a positive manner. Sometimes I get in the complaining mood too so I will take these suggestions to heart also. Thanks for sharing.
Hi, Rebecca! I’m glad you stopped by, and that you found some truth to apply today!
Such an incredibly important lesson!
Thanks for stopping by, Belki. 🙂
Thank you for a very timely and godly reminder of the dangers of complaining and how easily it sneaks up on us. My four children’s complaining has recently reached new heights – especially in the area of “fairness” between siblings. One day I was convicted that the root of the issue was envy: they wanted what others had. Even worse, if they couldn’t have it, then they didn’t want the other to have it either. We discussed the New Testament’s exhortation to rejoice with one another in their blessings as well as the Tenth Commandment’s admonition to not envy. We now have a code phrase to ward off the complaining heart: “remember Rule #10.” Such a phrase shifts the focus to what God wants for us and not just what Mom says.
Next up, we need to address the complaining about food set before us at the dinner table…but one lesson at a time. We want to balance freedom of expression with respect for the Preparer as well as gratitude to the Provider. Thank you for some excellent ideas and godly perspective.
You’re wise to point out the root of envy! I love the way you’re pointing your children back to what God says – there’s tremendous power in that, both for their behavior and for their heart attitudes toward life and toward God. Your kids are very blessed to have a God-honoring mama! Thanks so much for sharing your perspective here.
Amazing read. Going to implement this in my family. Thanks
I’m glad you found some truth to apply today, Jackee. Thank you for taking the time to leave this encouragement for me!
Thank you for the neat post! I have a small suggestion that seems to work in my house. When the kids complain about something I give them (“That’s not the cup I wanted to drink out of today Mommy”) then I will stay calm and simply say to the child “say thank you for the drink Mommy.” They repeat what I say. This reminds them, I hope, to be thankful for what matters (the drink) and not worry about the things that don’t (the cup that the drink comes in).
I like the way you’re staying positive and teaching your kids what the better choice sounds like, Amanda. Thank you for reading, and for taking the time to get in touch! 🙂
Not too long ago I realized that this had become not only a big problem with my kids but me as well. It’s so easy to find the negative and that tends to build. I have to remind myself often of all the things we have to be thankful for. You can’t be bitter and thankful at the same time. I think bad habits take a very long time to break. Thanks for the reminder and the tips. No one wants to be around someone who can’t find joy in any situation. Hopefully by the time my kids reach adulthood, this will sink in. It sure is a journey and this is taking a while to correct!
You’re right, Christina – there’s no quick fix when it comes to this issue. It requires a lot of perseverance on the part of parents. Thanks for stopping by!
Great, great post! I came across it searching for solutions to the complaining bug that is eating up our peace right now. Turning to God is the only way to true happiness and I’m sad to say I didn’t think to turn to His words to learn about complaining and discuss it with my family.
I worry that the grumbling game can easily turn to tattling, and it gives kids the idea that it’s their responsibility to correct another’s behavior instead of a parent. Maybe there’s a better way to implement the game that can address that. I love the idea of making a game of it!
I’m so glad this post was an encouragement to you, Tania! I’d love for you to let us know of any adjustments you make in the Grumbling Game. I bet your suggestions would help other readers.