Talking about puberty with your kids can be tough. Especially as Christian parents.
As far as phases of life go, puberty is probably the most awkward. Zits, body hair, strange new odors, breasts, cracking voices, and the list goes on. The transition from childhood to adulthood makes for some strange new life experiences.
I meet the same segment of parents over and over: parents who talk about talking about the specific changes of puberty without talking about sex.
Talking about Puberty: Unintended Consequences
Parents are often tempted to avoid talking about sex to their kids while still talking about puberty. Why do these parents do this? I know a couple reasons:
Reason #1: Preserving Innocence
The most common reason I hear is a desire to preserve the childish naivety of their children. They are trickling information out to their kids on a need-to-know basis, because too much information about sex, they say, only robs a child of his or her “innocence.”
But we do not protect a child’s innocence by preserving their ignorance. Innocence is not a function of having less information. It’s a function of attitude. And training a child to have a godly attitude about puberty means informing them of God’s perspective on the subject.
Reason #2: Sex Talks = Awkward
The other common reason why parents do this when talking about puberty with their kids is because they are avoiding the personal awkwardness of having sexual conversations. They simply can’t picture themselves talking about penises and vaginas, let alone talking about how they go together.
But if your goal is to make conversations less awkward for you by avoiding the subjects of intercourse and baby-making, in the end it only makes it more awkward for your kids. By avoiding the big WHY behind the changes they face when talking about puberty to them, puberty can feel like a cruel joke, not a purposeful change.
Missing the Whole Point of Puberty
Puberty is primarily about one thing: sexual maturity. This fact is patently obvious to parents, but it’s also the one thing many conservative parents avoid when talking about puberty.
Your little boy isn’t just “becoming a man.” Your little girl isn’t just “becoming a woman.” Becoming a man and becoming a woman mean something more than just “growing up.”
It means entering a phase of reproductive maturity where your son or daughter is physiologically changing—God-willing—to some day get married, have (and enjoy) sex, and have babies of their own.
When we only talk about the details of the changes of puberty but miss the central theme of this whole transition of life, it’s like putting together a puzzle with no border. When talking about puberty to our kids, we need to give our kids a frame to understand WHY all these changes are happening.
The good news God has given us that frame for understanding puberty, both in the natural revelation of how he created our bodies and the special revelation of His holy Word.
Talking about Puberty with Purpose
My wife and I have just released a course for Christian parents called Having the Talk: Changes. After we released our first course (geared towards parents of kids ages 6-10), we kept hearing the same thing: “We want a course to help us talk with our kids who are about to go through puberty.”
So that’s what we did. This course is for parents preparing to talk to kids ages 8-12—the age range when most all kids begin to experience puberty.
The goal of the whole course is equipping parents with the language and confidence for talking about puberty from a biblical perspective.
Register now! You’ll get access to all 8 course videos, plus several bonus videos, and a free digital copy of the book Changes: 7 Biblical Lessons to Make Sense of Puberty.
LEARN MORE ABOUT “HAVING THE TALK: CHANGES”
Have you struggled talking about puberty with your kids in the past? Do you have plans in place for talking about puberty? Let’s chat in the comments!
More Christian Parent Sex-Ed Articles:
- Talking to Kids About Sex: 3 Things Christian Parents Shouldn’t Do
- Relationships: 11 Lessons to Give Kids a Better Understanding of Biblical Sexuality
- Sex Ed and Young Kids (Ages 4-7): 5 Critical Reminders
- Moms and Sex Ed: 7 Tips for Teaching Young Boys
- The Scared Parents Guide to Talking to Boys About Masturbation
Thank You So much for selecting such a interesting & important topic for all christian parents and sharing them with all christian parents. Thank you for guiding us Bro. Luke.
Thanks, Lavanya!
Luke, I’m interested in this course, but I’m not seeing any way to actually register or find out how much it is. You said 20% off, but the links lead to an affiliate site. Thanks!
Try the link now. Not sure what was wrong, but I’ve reapplied the link. If for some reason it doesn’t work, try this one.
We are finished with the first talk lesson and my 9 year old daughter is so excited (with a little timidness) to continue. This study is already opening the door to questions! I have one for you: do you recommend both Mom and Dad complete this study with a child? Or should it be just the mom for the daughter and dad for the son? Your input is greatly appreciated!
So glad you’re liking it!
To answer your question, I would say do whatever comes most natural. We designed the books to act like family devotionals, so if you already have a habit of doing devotions with your daughter, simply read the book the same way. If that means doing a one-on-one, that’s great. If it means several kids together at the same time, that’s fine too. If it you or her dad or both, that’s fine. The goal is to make it as natural for your daughter as possible.
I did a one-on-one with my oldest son several years ago (for the initial formal conversations), but then my wife also had follow-up conversations with him soon after. It felt very natural for us because those kinds of devotional conversations had been part of our routine for years.
Just found this post, and it’s perfect timing! Our 8yr old is just entering puberty (before her 10yr old sister?!). Your site was the first we checked for a biblical perspective on puberty.
Do you have the “Changes” devotional in print yet? We would really love to do this with our kids, and the sooner the better! We’ve used The Talk and plan to go through it several times (our six kids range in age from 3-10)
Yes. We have it available on Amazon currently.
Hi!
Question for you…can you teach this together to both our son and daughters? They range from 10-13. Thank you,
Catherine
Hey Catherine. Good question. This will depend on your children. We’ve known plenty of families that have done it this way. Some have used our book, Changes, as a read-aloud with all their kids. For some families this has been a great way to engage in discussion.
For other families, they’ve chosen to talk to their kids one-on-one—not necessarily because of wanting to separate the genders, but because they wanted to be able to have richer conversation. Some kids, because of their personality, won’t talk around their siblings. They have always preferred to let their brothers or sisters do the talking, or they are embarrassed to talk about personal matters around others. In these families, parents are wise to understand this about their kids and have these discussions one-on-one so they can draw their quieter child out more.
As for doing this with both a boy and a girl at the same time, there’s nothing wrong with this approach at all. There are, of course, additional private conversations you’ll want to have exclusively with your son or daughter about topics that are more likely to invoke some embarrassment (like if your son ever experiences a nocturnal emission or when your daughter needs to start learning about menstrual hygiene), but as for general conversations about puberty, both boys and girls can be present at the same time. The more important question is really thinking about the personalities of your kids and their comfort around one another already.
I have the Talk, 7 lessons to introduce your child to biblical sexuality and it was such a great book. I was still nervous about having the Talk with my kids, but this book made it so much easier!! I am so excited to see they have one on puberty too. I have been looking for a book like that!!
I worried about my children’s innocence too, but at the same time I wanted the information to come from their parents in a biblical way versus getting the information from other kids or sources and get it wrong!
So glad the first book was helpful to you! Hope the book on puberty is just as helpful.
My stepson is 12 and his Dad & I are trying to figure which out which of your series would be most appropriate. The one in puberty? And I know we’re probably a little behind but better late than never! His 6th grade (public school) is going to address sexuality & we know we need to talk to him from a Biblical perspective. We can choose to have him opt out – which we considered based on the liberal views – but I think we will let him…
Anyway, which one would you recommend?
If he doesn’t know the basics (i.e. the anatomical differences between boys and girls, how babies are made, the importance of saving sex for marriage, etc.) I would start with the first book, The Talk. If he’s got those basics, I would move to Changes.
I have this debate with people on how to talk with your kids about sex. I am a single mom and before I was saved I didn’t know how to address it correctly with my older children. I still have one left we got saved 5 years ago he was 7 at the time. Fast forward he is 12. Everyone tries to tell me that a boy needs a man to have the talk with him. I already have had the talk and explained to him about the talk at 10 because I got whammed with him trying to masturbate. He had some school friends tell him about certain things and I was just not ready. His father is not the best candidate for this talk because he isn’t saved and thinks that this is what a boy is supposed to do and its ok for him to look at pictures….yeah no. I had to have the talk with my son I know I can’ t relate because I am not a man but I approached it the biblical way. The way God intended it to be. So everyone says you can’ t because he needs a man. We don’t know anyone. If anyone has any advice please feel free to I want to do things the way God wants us to. I will definitely look into this book. I hope it can answer things for me.
Please do look into the book, for sure.
Don’t listen to those who say it has to be a man who teaches your son. That’s ridiculous. You are his mother: that qualifies you to teach him. Are there things he may want to know about that you don’t personally know as a woman? Sure. Does that disqualify you? Not at all. He needs the wise voice of his mother to lead him.