There was a time when my husband and I were rather skilled at patting ourselves on the back.
I think it was pretty well-deserved. After all, we had given the world its very first angelic two-year-old.
We were the best parents ever.
She was compliant and sweet, cheerful and thoughtful.
Yep. Best. Kid. Ever.
“Terrible twos?” we scoffed in private. “Not our girl!”
And then she turned three.
Wow.
Gone was our delightful little angel. In her place was…
well, I’ll let your imagination fill in the blanks.
She was still agreeable as long as things were going her way. But when they weren’t, you’d better watch out!
God carried us through those preschool and early elementary years with hefty doses of grace along with some eye-opening truths.
Truths for Parents of Strong-Willed Kids
1. Be thankful when you see sin.
This goes against our grain, doesn’t it? After all, sin is undoubtedly a bad thing. But guess what? Whether or not you see sin in your child’s behavior, sin is certainly present in their hearts.
One truth God has whispered to my heart over and over during these years is that sin can be dealt with when it’s brought to light. I’d much rather see the sin than have it go unnoticed and unaddressed.
Many parents cite their kids’ strong wills as a reason to send them to school. Perhaps this is the best choice for those families. But my daughter’s strong will was one of the primary reasons my husband and I chose to keep her home. You see, she showed the worst of her stubbornness with us. She rarely gave Sunday School teachers or AWANA leaders a hard time, and I knew she would do the same in a school environment. I didn’t want her to conform to external standards while harboring a sinful heart.
2. Use their sin as a springboard to the gospel.
It’s not easy to share the gospel with a child who’s practically perfect, because the prerequisite step to receiving a Savior is acknowledging that you need one. A strong-willed child will give you plenty of opportunities to lovingly point out their sin and their need for a Savior. It also allows you to remind them over and over of God’s love for them in spite of their sin – to the extent that while they were still sinners, Christ died for them (Romans 5:8).
3.Pray.
So often we can be so focused on the basic requirements of day-to-day life that we forget our calling to raise up Christ-followers. But that is, in fact, God’s intention for families (Malachi 2:15, Deuteronomy 6:4-9) – and Satan doesn’t like it one bit. Parenting means wrestling demons, and spiritual warfare requires spiritual weaponry.
We need to be praying parents! Pray for wisdom for yourself and your spouse. Pray for God to soften your child’s heart to the gospel. Pray for Him to grant her a heart that’s submissive to you, and ultimately, to Him. Ask Him to conform that strong will to His, and to use it to advance the Kingdom of God. Knock on heaven’s door, and keep knocking!
4. Be a good example.
Are you teachable? Do you yield to others, preferring them over yourself? How do you handle criticism? Do you gripe about someone who dared to disagree with you?
It’s impossible to parent effectively from a place of hypocrisy. “Do as I say, not as I do” is a surefire way to foster disrespect and anger in your child’s heart (Ephesians 6:4). Examine your own heart before God, and ask Him to show you areas in which you’re teaching stubbornness by your example.
5. Don’t be quick to accept blame.
Remember how eager my husband and I were to take the credit for our angelic two-year-old? It was only logical, then, that we blamed ourselves when her behavior suddenly took a turn for the worse.
The truth is, we cannot control our children’s hearts. If your child has a strong will, it is good to prayerfully consider whether you’re being a godly example. It’s also wise to evaluate your parenting style and disciplinary methods, strategizing about how to disciple your little firecracker and world-changer.
But once you’ve dealt with sin the Holy Spirit reveals to you through conviction, it’s not beneficial to beat yourself up about sins and struggles in the past, or to take full responsibility for your child’s behavior.
6. Press on.
I’ll be honest and let you know that for years our school days included tears (hers, mine, or both) more often than not. But she’s now eleven years old, and for several years now we’ve enjoyed a close relationship built on mutual respect and kindness toward one another.
We haven’t broached the teen years yet, but I’m so thankful for the way I’ve seen God work in her life thus far. There will no doubt be more rough patches ahead as she forges toward independence, but as I look back on God’s past faithfulness, I can only conclude that He’ll continue to mold her into the strong woman He wants her to be.
I love this! My husband and I don’t have kiddos yet, but we have friends who really wrestle with what it looks like to love their strong-willed kiddos. Sharing with them now!
Hi, Lauren! I’m so glad you found this helpful. Thanks for reading, and for having a sensitive and thoughtful heart to share this hope with your friends.
Jennifer,
What a great post! I’ve got 3 strong-willed kiddos! 2 biologic and 1 adoptive. God has walked with me though all 6 of the truths you wrote of! My eldest is 13 now and is still strong-willed, but his heart is so firmly planted on God’s Truths that his strength is one of his strongest characteristics now! He consistently stays true to who he is in Christ and isn’t swayed by others. I believe this is a true positive that can come out of a strong-willed child. Mamas of these kiddos keep perservering because you will see the fruit in the later years!
So glad I stopped by from #MondayMusings!
Blessings and smiles,
Lori
Welcome, Lori, and thank you for stopping by! I’m glad this post resonated with you as a seasoned mama to strong-willed kids. 🙂 I’m thankful for your testimony of God’s grace in your son’s life – I know it will encourage other readers, too.
Jennifer, love the final point of press on. I’m not sure all aspects of a strong willed child are sinful, and if we linger too long we kill the good part of the characteristic. It’s tough road to walk, but continuing forward is important. We’ve started to see the light with our oldest a strong willed child, and to be honest, I’m glad I only prayed sometimes in response to his behavior…
Thank you for sharing!
Marissa
I agree, Marissa – having a strong will itself is not sinful, and can be used mightily by God. However, a strong-willed child typically exerts her will in sinful ways, having not yet learned to bring her will in submission to authority. Our charge then, as parents, is to teach strong-willed children to yield to God-ordained authority without breaking their spirits. Thanks for chiming in!
Jennifer…Our first born child was strong-willed so I can relate. However, way back then, we didn’t have a whole lot of information available to us to help us along. But God’s Word never failed us. Our son was a hand full at times and at others he was easier to be around. Today he is a smart, strong, and hard-working man of God making his way in this big ol’ world. I don’t see as much of that strong-willed behavior we witnessed quite a bit as he was growing up. I truly believe God has worked miracles in his heart (especially saving him) and nowadays we see the fruit of faithfully trusting God while raising our strong-willed son. I will share the teens years were especially trying but be patient and trust God with your daughter. Thank you for wise words on this topic and for sharing them at Monday’s Musings. 🙂
Naomi, I can’t thank you enough for sharing from the wisdom of your experience! It’s such a blessing to hear of moms who have survived a strong-willed childhood, and of former strong-willed kids who are now thriving adults. Your son is very blessed to have a mom who trusts in God and clings to His Word. Thanks so much for this encouragement for moms in the trenches.
I have one of these. It is humbling, especially after having a compliant first child! I think that my son’s strong willed characteristics will serve him well as he ages because he insists on independence. The strong willed trait is just frustrating when it comes in two year old form! Thanks for the encouragement. 🙂
You’re wise to look ahead to the time when those traits will be a benefit to your son, Andrea. Thanks for stopping by!
HI! Here are some things I’d like to pass on to any parents out there struggling with their strong willed child. I AM a strong willed child who had a Mom who struggled to understand me and a father who was more like me and whose father before him didn’t understand him…see where I’m going with this? I WAS THAT KID lol who questioned, who pestered, who was doggedly determined to GET MY WAY!!! And you know what? Sometimes it isn’t because I wanted to be “naughty or even sinful” it was because I had determination, I had more perseverance, I had more motivation and insight into how I could use my intellect to make that happen for me than most kids my age, and it bothered my parents sometimes and they saw that as being bad- and as a MOM, from their perspective, because I kept questioning when I was told not to, when I kept talking when I was told to be quiet, when I was angry when they wanted me to be calm- that is considered to be “naughty” by any Parental Standard, even Christian parents can agree I’m sure. I would like parents of these strong willed children to see it differently, a Renewing of the Mind perhaps as our Good Lord says 🙂 I hate the term strong willed…it makes it seem as though all of us are just trying to push our way on to everyone else when really we are often times just Misunderstood. When you’re little you don’t have the proper words to effectively communicate things you barely understand to parents who are tired and busy and yes sometimes don’t always want to deal with an inquisitive determined little person when their day is full and often hectic. BUT what if we prayed and asked God to give us eyes to see them the way HE sees them? Hearts for the children He created just the way THEY ARE. Ask Him for HIS perspective, after all if being “strong willed” were so awful why would He keep making kids that way? Why would He have given you a strong willed child if you couldn’t handle it? What if all your child needs from you to stop the frustration in the house is more love and understanding and some sympathy and maybe a little more earned independence so that they are able to assert themselves in a positive situation that doesn’t get them into trouble? I have a strong willed boy he is my oldest, as I was the oldest and I find in my experiences as a child and now mother, without opportunities to lead and serve and use those passions in a positive way….it goes south really fast. We will act out and rebel if not given good outlets where we have freedom and can express ourselves in an understanding environment. We all want our children to follow Jesus as Christians but lets not forget some very strong willed moments Jesus had, like when Mary and Joseph found Him in the temple after they left, or my personal favorite when He fashioned a whip to turn out the money changers in His father’s house. The world NEEDS US strong willed people to be able to stand up for those who can’t or won’t stand up for themselves and others, where would we be without someone’s gift to be Bold enough to share the Gospel? What if those strong willed children we are so desperately trying to get to be more “compliant” really just need us to see their flaws as God see them? Strengths.( and no I don’t mean to say any sinful behavior is a strength I am talking character here) If I didn’t have a conviction, if I didn’t have this strong willed personality that God gave me, I wouldn’t be able to sit here and write this comment to the post that in my humble opinion seems more negative than positive towards these children. They can’t communicate that they just want love and understanding so I’m telling you that more than likely that’s what they want. Accept them for who they are and pray and help them to navigate their strength for good things ~good and Holy and GODLY things like the blog post touched on, without strong willed people the world would be missing out. Every sheep needs a shepherd, don’t count out your strong willed babies just yet Mamas 😉 Hope that helps someone. God Bless
Thanks for reading and for contributing to the discussion here! I completely agree that having perseverance and determination isn’t the least bit sinful; these are good gifts God instills. “Strong-willed” kids can grow up to be world-changers, and my fervent prayer for my own kids is that their strong wills equip them to be strong in their faith in Jesus Christ.
On the flip side, I’ve seen strong-willed children become rebellious teens and reckless adults, having never learned to yield to God’s authority or anyone else’s.
I’m intrigued that you perceived the post as negative – perhaps that’s due to the emphasis I placed on sin. The Bible teaches that the hearts of all people are naturally sinful; one blessing of having strong-willed children is that they often don’t leave you guessing as to what sinful thoughts they’re harboring. 🙂 But the fact remains that rebellion against authority is sinful, and we don’t do them any favors by calling sin by any other name. I agree that all kids benefit from the love and understanding of their parents, so thanks for making that point, and for taking the time to encourage others from your experience.
HI again 🙂
I have no problem pointing out sin, sin is sin in the eyes of the Lord, I was sharing the point of view from 1 strong willed child, myself. Every child needs correction,( every person needs Godly correction as well ) and yes the good thing about the stronger willed child is that they have a tendency to make it very obvious what they are struggling with. I was trying to emphasize something that God would want us to look at, how He made us all unique and to show that there are strengths to having a bolder personality. This boldness I was referring to has positive qualities that were shown in biblical examples such as David and Esther & so on, I was not referring to the sin nature. That has no positive attribute what so ever. No matter what the child’s or adult’s personality type is I would never condone placating sin or pandering to it. From a biblical standpoint I believe in not sparing the rod. I have no problem spanking my children and as a parent who is not afraid to be bold I have no problem saying that and I also know that with my stronger willed child, he will benefit from it. Jer. 17; 9-10
The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
“I the Lord search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward each person according to their conduct,
according to what their deeds deserve.”
Hi back! 🙂 Thanks for clarifying. I think we’re in general agreement, and I appreciate your pointing out the strengths of strong-willed children.
I agree that this article seems quite negative. As a mother of a child who seems strong-willed, I deeply appreciate the emphasis strongwilledmama places on viewing behavior as God does. Yes, behavior can be sinful, but this is the case with all children – not just those who are strong-willed. I understand the general intent behind the author’s message, but language like referring to the acceptance of blame certainly paints a negative shadow on things. Again, I truly appreciate this reader’s view and sharing about her own parents. My husband and I strive to focus on our daughter’s many strengths as we correct her in the way she needs it, rather than viewing her will as a roadblock to success. We need leaders in the Christian community too :).
Hi, Jo, and thanks so much for weighing in.
A quick Google search turned up this definition of strong-willed: “determined to do as one wants even if other people advise against it.” When this behavior is directed toward parents – as it often is – that behavior is a sin, because it violates God’s command that children should obey their parents. Can kids who aren’t strong-willed disobey their parents? Of course. But just because everyone is doing it doesn’t make it less sinful to violate God’s commands. Is this viewpoint negative? Perhaps it is – sin is never pretty. But recognizing it as such is the first step toward reconciliation through the gospel. If it weren’t for the bad news, what use is the good news?
Perhaps you aren’t a parent who often feels guilty, exasperated, or at her wits’ end about her strong-willed child, but many, many parents do. My encouragement to avoid self-blame is directed toward these parents who are desperately searching for light at the end of the tunnel, all the while wondering what they did wrong to wind up in the tunnel in the first place.
While your point about Christian leaders is well-taken, I think it’s important to recognize that our strong-willed children will not be leaders in the Christian community until they learn to submit to the lordship of Christ. However, I readily agree that a strong-willed child whose will has been molded and shaped for the glory of God might just change the world. 🙂
I get it, I was a strong willed child, and I am raising one. As parents, we are challenged to help our children use the gifts God gave them to be at their best, no matter what stereotype they fall in. But I can tell you that the SWC often feels bad, like they are doing something wrong just for being who they are. Your reply comment about how SWC are sometimes world changers but also rebels in teen years is a very alarming perspective. Any child can be a rebel in teen years, it doesn’t matter what their personality type is. I wish you luck with your strong will child and I hope that you are able to help her to be a world changer, and not rebellious and wreckless.
Thanks for sharing your perspective!