These are my honest confessions of being an angry dad.
I used to love long road trips. I loved the adventure of the open road, experiencing new places, and seeing the countryside move by.
Then I had kids.
I don’t know what it is about getting into the back seat of a van that turns my children into raving lunatics. Every toy or piece of junk suddenly becomes a catalyst for territorialism.
Every slightly annoying action is magnified. Suddenly, “touching” becomes a federal crime worthy of being promulgated to the whole universe like a town crier proclaiming a king’s edict.
More than once my wife and I have dreamed of owning a limousine so we can have a glass partition between us and the mayhem of the back seat. (Minivan manufacturers, you’ve been given notice.)
Something also happens to me on these long trips. Every shrill voice from the back seat enters my ears and triggers some nuclear reaction in my brain. My rearview mirror becomes a spy camera. Explosive comments and illogical threats fly from my mouth.
It is at moments like these that I realize just how easily I am to becoming an angry dad.
Anger’s Power Rests in Our Denial
Most people wouldn’t peg me for an angry person. For the most part, in public settings, I’m jovial, light-hearted, and extroverted.
But at home, under the right conditions, I’m a different person.
If anger is your besetting sin, maybe you can identify with this. You find yourself at your wit’s end, shouting some sharp and venomous comment at your kids when suddenly the phone rings, and immediately your tone changes to your best secretary voice.
Why? Because at its core, sinful anger is a cowardly emotion. It only rears its ugly head when it believes it is safe to come out and play.
Angry Dad Confessions
Sadly, behind closed doors, the people I love the most are the ones I protect from my anger the least.
For years, my sinful anger has hidden behind a host of other words:
- “I’m not angry. I’m just frustrated.”
- “I’m just really upset because ______.”
- “______ made me angry.”
- “I’m just having a bad day.”
- “______ just gets on my nerves.”
- “______ just knows how to push my buttons.”
- “You know I didn’t mean it like that.”
This is not how the Bible treats sinful anger. While other words do a good job describing the emotion of anger—annoyed, irritated, frustrated—they fail to take ownership of the problem. Anger is not just something we feel; anger is something we do.
The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks (Luke 6:45).
Sinful anger doesn’t arise from having a bad day; it arises from a bad heart.
The degree to which we relabel our anger as something less than sinful is the degree to which anger will master us.
Parents, We Must Master Anger
One day long ago, Cain, the first human being ever born, was seething in anger against his brother Abel. God spoke tenderly to Cain, “Sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it” (Genesis 4:7b). In the end, Cain’s sinful anger ruled over him, leading to the murder of Abel, and because of this Cain paid a high price throughout his life.
Likewise, as parents, we pay a high price for our anger.
- Through our sinful anger, the devil gains a foothold in our homes (Eph. 4:26-27).
- Through our hot-headed discipline tactics, we work against the righteous character formation we want for our kids (James 1:19-20).
- In our anger, we stir up anger all around us in our spouses and children (Prov. 15:1).
- When we trouble our own house with our anger, we do not leave a legacy of joy; we inherit nothing but wind (Prov. 11:29).
The good news is this: If God has convicted you of your anger, it is not to shame or crush you; it is to change you. God intends to make your anger more like His (Ex. 34:6; Ps. 7:11; Jer. 23:20): getting angry at only the right things, in the right manner, with the right motive, bringing about the right effects.
Losing It: 3 Steps to Conquering Your Anger
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get all that. The million-dollar question is the HOW. Ungodly anger just seems to be part of who we are (because it is), so HOW does God give us the wisdom and power to overcome our anger and treat our kids differently?
You can count to 10 and take deep breaths all day long, but in the end, God wants us to get to the root of our anger—no matter how we express it.
We invite you to come to Losing It! 3 steps to conquering your anger and becoming a happier mom. This training event is great for moms (and dads) who want to do more than just learn how to manage their anger. They want to get to the root of it and replace it with joy.
How do you prevent yourself from becoming an angry dad (or angry mom?)
Tell me your tips about how you stay calm around your kids in the comments below!
I appreciate this post so very much, and I’m going to start reading this eBook tonight. I deeply identify with your words here, it is a big struggle for me and I never even knew that I was an angry person (until I had kids… seriously, God uses kids to be so sanctifying). My biggest prayer over the last year is for growth in this area and I have seen growth but still feel very far from overcoming it. Thank you so much for sharing it, I urge you to share with us at the Grace & Truth link-up as well, a whole Christian community who could benefit from this! Thank you. The G&T link-up can be found here: http://thebrowntribe.net/2015/06/grace-truth-link-up/
Thanks, Holly. I hope the book is a blessing to you. Please let me know what you think when you read it.
Great post Luke and I really admire your honesty as anger is not an emotion most of us want to admit to possessing. Anger is an internal problem, not something that is simply based on your present circumstances and it can present itself not just in angry, loud outbursts but in pouting, self pity and the old silent treatment.
It is something that many women in particular would deny having a problem with as most of us do see it as manifesting only in the loud angry outbursts when this is not the only way it presents itself.
I listened to a really great sermon recently on this very topic which you can find here:
http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=2604163343
It’s by Brian Borgman who does a twenty part series on mortifying ungodly emotions and this particular one is on anger. It is well worth listening to.
God bless,
Lynda.
Absolutely. I go into that in my book some. Anger manifests itself in many different ways. Thanks for the sermon link!
Angry is so many times a hidden sin. We can let it simmer inside and break out at times and then offer excuses. Why do I know this – because I’ve been there. And I’m still there. But God is working on my to release that angry to Him and let Him handle it for me. Thanks for this transparent post. Visiting from Raising Homemakers.
You’re welcome, Rebecca. I’m on the same journey.
I could really use this. I struggle daily witg anger and am afraid i will be alone soon if I cannot find control
I know what you mean.
I can’t download the book. Every time I try, my phone gives me a message saying download unsuccessful. What now?
Hi Jessica,
Could you send a note to intoxicatedonlifeorders@gmail.com and we’ll be sure to get ya fixed up!
Thank you very much but my husband figured out how to download it onto our computer. We are looking forward to reading it.
I’m truly blessed going through your post. It’s truly insightful.
Is there an audio book version of this? I have lots of time commuting in the car every day but honestly not much time to sit down and read a book
I’m sorry, but we don’t have an audio version at this time.