I didn’t say a word, but I was stewing internally when my daughter’s little hand reached over the counter and dropped her cup in the sink.
How many times do I have to tell these kids to rinse their breakfast dishes and put them in the dishwasher?
It’s times like these when I’m tempted to let my temper erupt. I almost feel like I deserve the release what would come with letting my kids have it. (After all, I’ve told them at least a hundred times.)
But I’ve been doing this parenting thing long enough to know that losing my temper won’t make me feel better in the long run. Not only is it woefully ineffective at improving my kids’ behavior, but it can also be extremely damaging to my relationship with them. Plus, the Holy Spirit will no doubt be dealing with me later, convicting me and bringing me (once again) to the point of repentance from the sins of irritability and ungodly anger.
So if I can look ahead and make a change that will save all of us some trouble beforehand, that sounds like a very good idea to me.
The Key to Being More Patient
I’m learning that there’s a simple key to becoming more patient with my children…it boils down to changing the way I talk to myself about them.
I know that doesn’t seem like rocket science. But think about this for a moment: What kinds of things were you telling yourself the last time you blew up at your kids?
If you’re like me, it was probably something like:
How could she possibly think that was a good idea?
Why in the world does he keep acting this way?
If I’ve told them once, I’ve told them a thousand times…
How dare he speak that way to me?
Is she ever going to learn?
(Or fill in the blank with your go-to complaint about your children.)
Don’t get me wrong — initial frustration is often understandable. Believe me, I get it.
But let’s just be honest: when I mentally park in a negative place and hang out there for a while, I’m pretty much setting myself up for failure. And it all starts with my internal dialogue— the conversations I have in the privacy of my mind that actually have major implications for the way I behave.
Here are five chats I have with myself often, a custom which has helped a great deal in my pursuit of patience.
5 Internal Dialogues to Improve Your Patience
1. “I’ve had my share of mess-ups lately.”
Forget needing to put others in their place; what I usually need instead is to talk a little smack to myself.
I can’t help but be more patient with others when I make a habit of remembering my own weaknesses, failures, and sins— the times I’ve been selfish, had a bad attitude, or made a foolish choice. As often I require grace and forgiveness from others (not to mention from God), how can I not grant patience freely in return?
2. “She is still a child.”
Many times, impatience comes from having expectations that are too high.
Remember the irritation over my child who dropped her cup in the sink? Later that day, the same child came to wash her hands and I was stunned (and a little shamed) to realize that she can’t quite reach the knobs to turn on the water on in the kitchen sink. My expectation that she rinse her dishes was (quite literally) impossibly high for her.
Whether it’s the messes they make, the high volumes they relish, or the things they perpetually forget, it helps to remind myself often that my children are just that— children who are still in the process of learning and growing.
3. “Look how far he’s come!”
The longer I’m a parent, the more I realize how important it is to look on the bright side. My kids still have a long way to go, but they are usually making some amount of progress in what my husband and I are training them to do.
My daughter may not have put her cup in the dishwasher that day, but she did clear her dishes from the table and bring them to the sink.
Giving more mental attention to the growth helps me to be patient with the areas that still need improvement. Plus, most kids respond well to praise and will be inspired to keep working on those skills, which is a much better alternative to the discouragement they must feel when they’re on the receiving end of my temper.
4. “How have I been neglecting my well-being?”
Sometimes impatience is quite simply the result of being tired, hungry, dehydrated, or stressed. When I take care of myself by getting proper rest, nutrition, hydration, and exercise, I set myself up to respond patiently to small aggravations.
5. “Lord, please give me patience.”
Ultimately, patience is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22) — evidence of the Holy Spirit’s sanctifying work in the life of a believer. So when it comes to growing in patience, there’s nothing more powerful than praying for it.
The more I press into Jesus, accessing more of God’s grace each day, the more I’m equipped for the tasks He has called me to do.
The more I set my mind on eternal things, the more I can overlook day-to-day annoyances.
And the more I spend time with my Master, the more my heart and mind are conformed to His, the ultimate patient Parent.
Impatience is a common problem for parents, so I’d love to hear how you’ve grown in this area! Please take a moment to share by leaving a comment below.
Jessica
I never really thought about that internal dialog. It makes perfect sense. One way we can keep ourselves going in a positive direction is to feed our minds with the right kind of thoughts. I will be more intentional about these thoughts I let go through my mind. Thank you.
Jennifer Clarke
So glad this rings true for you, Jessica. Thanks for stopping by!
Christy
Thank you. The Lord was just convicting me this morning about my internal dialogue concerning my Mom in law. Thank you for the practical advice that will help me both with her and definitely with my children in the day to day of “getting it done.”
“All we like sheep have gone astray we have turned – everyone -to his own way and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.” Isaiah 53:6
Jennifer Clarke
So true, Christy. Growing in patience is helpful in all relationships!
Angela Leong
Thanks for the great reminder, as always. I remember the time when my daughter was late returning from school. Before she got home, I was filled with anxious thoughts – was she safe etc. When she finally got home, she said a teacher kept her back to speak about some things (which I suspected wasn’t true). It was extremely difficult but I prayed hard to keep calm and persisted in asking a few more questions in as kind a tone as I could muster, but silently also praying that the Holy Spirit would work in her heart. Then, all of a sudden, she confessed that she went with some friends to “hang-out” in a nearby park. Now, I had every justification to be mad at her, but to my own amazement, God worked in my heart as well and led me to affirm her in choosing to tell me the truth instead of persisting in the lie. I saw that it took great courage to change course midway, even King David didn’t manage that (I know this was the Holy Spirit, not me!) As for going out without my permission, I simply reiterated the rule and said that there will have to be consequences if she did that again. I am so grateful that we do not have to do this parenting thing alone because God is with us always!
Jennifer Clarke
I love this, Angela. Thank you for sharing your experience! Not only did you teach patience by your example, but your handling of the situation will encourage your daughter to continue being truthful in the future.
Linda Maxwell
As a great-grandmother living with my grand-daughter and seven greats under 11, I am ashamed of my impatience and tendency to speak unkindly. I’m working through your points and adapting them for myself. Thanks for your very useful post. I have followed you for quite a while on A Divine Encounter.
Jennifer Clarke
Hi, Linda! Thanks so much for reading this post and for sharing from your experience. I’m so glad you found this helpful, and I will pray for you as you look to God for grace, wisdom, and patience.
Shwetha
Dear Jennifer, Thank you for a wonderful and helpful post…
Jennifer Clarke
I’m so glad this was helpful to you, Shewetha. Thanks for taking the time to let us know!
Shwetha
You really are a great mother..
Jennifer Clarke
I appreciate your kindness, friend.